And Now for Something Completely Different...

I am FFFRRRRREEEEeeeeeeeeeeee..... 
At last!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It's such a thoroughly wholesome, AMAZING feeling to be done with chemo.  Done.Finished. Finis.Ca put!

The last little bits were the hardest, although I suppose this was to be expected. There were many delays due to low White Blood Cell Counts.  I never felt bad about that...  It meant the next treatment would be delayed and I was always ready to take a break from chemo.  And the one thing I trusted to always tell me the truth was my blood.  If it told me to wait...  I WAITED.  So I practically had to quarantine myself for the last two months of treatment to limit exposure to germs.  On that note, I appreciate that so many of you kept in touch virtually while Pat and I hibernated.  A text, an email, a phone call, a card makes all the difference.  It seriously helped me to keep my sanity as I avoided gatherings, movie theaters, grocery stores, spiritual community, etc, etc.  Of course, sometimes it was impossible to avoid, so I just went with the flow and it all worked out.  (YAY, I finally got to see Kylee pitch softball!).

Recovery... The body is amazing. In fact, as soon as dis-ease :) presents, the healing begins!!!  It is up to us to allow the 50 trillion cells in our bodies to do their magnificent job.  At least, do no harm.  I have only the desire to feed my body and move my body in ways that are conducive to perfect health.  I wake up every day so thankful for my luminous life.  It is a definite choice--and I choose JOY, PEACE, LOVE and I CHOOSE to keep fear at bay.

I am surprised and humbled by the 1000s of page views on this little blog. Anyone who wants to contact me who does not have my email, can post a comment.  I promise I will answer. And while I am not an authority on mind-body medicine or complementary cancer treatment, I would be happy to share references on the topic and/or the names of wonderful practitioners.  It's sad to think that each time someone is struck with this dis-ease, they have to go to cancer college.  It is not the degree I always wanted to go back to school for. But it is proactive.  You have to be an advocate for your own health.  We are all unique and it will take unique combinations of wellness to heal. 

NOW what, you say?!!!   Limitless possibilities, my dear friends.  LIMITLESS, BOUNDLESS, INFINITE POSSIBILITIES !!!  Until now, I did not feel retired from my former line of work.  Even though that ended, my full time job has been chemo.  Now I am free to truly feel the expansiveness waiting for me.  For now, I will just soak in this fabulous moment of being-ness.  Knowing that I am OK.  Everything is going to be OK.  Exactly as it is.

Many, many thanks to all of you for your prayers and continued expressions of love and support.  I felt your positive energy the whole way through and continue to feel it.  It has made ALL the difference in my recovery.  It has been fun to share this blog with you--and sometimes scary, but you know....."Do one thing every day that scares you.” ―THANK YOU Eleanor Roosevelt - such a genius.  I will miss blogging but I am ready to move on!  I am REtired and in REcovery. I'm excited to be here NOW and to move forward into something completely different!

May your holidays be filled with the laughter and love of family and friends....and your New Year bring all of you good health, abundance, love, peace and JOY!!!!  God is great!

LOVE, LOVE AND MORE LOVE !!!!
xxoo Colette

"Don't fear the Tiger, until the Tiger is in the room"

Happy November, one and ALL!!!!!!!!  

 It feels like a good time to post, to update, to be thankful...

heart leaf from a walk on new york creek

Truthfully, my thankfulness is a steady stream of consciousness, running like a tape, in the back of my chattering mind (sometimes even stopping the chattering!). It is a state of Being now.  Gratefulness is such a great conduit to Joy, and I want as much Joy as possible in my Life. ALL THE TIME.  So I keep the Gratefulness fired up.  On tap.  Every day is Thanksgiving!!!!

Swami's Gardens, Encinitas, CA

Along more traditional lines, I was thinking lately about ALL the many, many lovely people who have helped me along my life journey so far.  I stand on the shoulders of Giants who opened powerful doors for me, shared great ideas, presented possibilities, opportunities and great solutions.  Without them, I would not be here.  Living the Dream that I am.  NOTHING that I ever accomplished was completely of my own doing.  Not even close.  It was always with the help, support, kindness, caring and love of others.  I think there are times when our egos take the wheel and try to tell us:  we are so strong and independent; we did this ALL BY OURSELVES.  In my experience, this is not the case.  I try to remember this always, be grateful for it, and pay it forward.  With that:

THANK YOU TO ALL MY PARENTS, FAMILY, FRIENDS, TEACHERS, MENTORS, GURUS, CO-WORKERS, AND RANDOM KIND STRANGERS!!!!!!!!!!

And that's all before this current colon cancer situation showed up in the Body. Since then I have depended on the strength, wisdom and amazing talents of my healers, doctors, family and friends, who have stood by me to hold me up.  I could never have gotten through this alone.  No way.  You know who you are!!! The fight and the journey goes on.  I don't give up and neither, thank God, do YOU.

Update on the medical stuff.  All is moving along well.  I have 2 more chemo sessions, the next being this Nov 13.  People, I cannot WAIT to be done, to get clean, to move on.  My body is SO amazing in what it can endure and how it cleanses and processes it all.  It has been helped along immensely by the amazing Ayurvedic and Acupuncture treatments I receive regularly. Every other week, the lovely Nitya works her healing magic for FIVE hours on my body, mind and soul. So cleansing, nourishing and uplifting, I feel almost normal when I leave her clinic. I am absolutely ready to be DONE with chemotherapy and to treat this body with only tender loving care and good, clean food and drinks. 
 
ALSO TO BE NOTED, A few recent landmarks IN MY LIFE:

•  I am retired!!! From Federal and other professional service after 26 years!!!! Yay!  I am beyond grateful to the folks at DMEA who helped me to make this happen at exactly the right time.  They are amazing professionals and wholehearted people.  I am also grateful for all the wonderful people and experiences at the US Army Corps of Engineers (Sacramento) , NAVAIR (China Lake, where I spent 16 years learning so much from the BEST), and the Early Intervention Research Institute (Utah State U, Logan, UT). 

• And my Uncle Myles came to visit!!!

From Belfast, with Love.  Still hits a mean drive!

The BEST man ever!

• Oct 27 was my birthday.  We celebrated with family and friends and it was a truly beautiful month--because a birth DAY is not enough.  Just take the whole month and treat yourself like the magnificent person you are!!!

Birthday Brunch on the ole Sierra Railroad

Beautiful Birthday dinner at the charming Cafe Majaic, Lotus, CA

• October also included a special long weekend in Encinitas, Ca.

Soaking in the expansiveness from Swami's Garden

Breakie w/ my beauties in Encinitas

Pat and I send you all our love and heartfelt thanks for your continued thoughts, prayers and support.  I hope that you are enJOYing life to the fullest, close to the ones you love.

swimming in Lake Natoma--the BEST cure for any symptoms

XXOOcoco

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift: that's why they call it the Present."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Testing Chakras One Two One Two!

I am RESUMING chemotherapy....after a nice, looooong break.  One that was unavoidable.  At first, I thought that the exploding disc in my lower back was a "sign"....signifying that I should ditch this chemo business.  As I progressed out of excruciating pain, I came to see it as something else.  A much-needed P A U S E .  Don't you love the PAUSE button?  Everything happens so fast.  And blinding speed makes you....well, blind.  It was really hard to see and feel what was happening, because what was happening was not easy to decipher.  It was buried deep.   I was having trouble understanding the underlying reason for the cancer and I felt paralyzed with fear.  Fear of the disease and fear of the cure.  I knew on some basic level that I needed to understand the cause or the cure wouldn't hold.  So that is all part of this journey.  And it continues...

spine MRI--Cause for the PAUSE.  Notice the S5/L1 disc material leaking out.

Meanwhile, the summer was so lovely, as a steady stream of beloved house guests ensued.  I am so grateful~SO GRATEFUL~ to each of them.  They delivered a series of amazing gifts.  I am completely astounded at the level of empathy.  The compassion and the purest essence of love.  The lack of judgement and negativity.  It helped me to rise above and stay higher in my thoughts and feelings.  This level of positivity was really a necessary boost for my wavering consciousness.  I feel revitalized and empowered now, to see it through.  I feel confident that I will be OK.  On a deeper, more authentic, level than I felt before.

As far as my health status, scans indicate that everything is the same.  I have no symptoms and no visible traces of cancer.  I am, however, statistically, very much at risk for recurrence.  After much thought--too much thought--I decided to give the chemo another try.  The data are just too daunting and the "alternative cures" too nebulous.  I believe western medicine is close to something better than chemo, but its not here yet--not for colon cancer anyway.

I still don't know for certain how this will all go down.  No one does.  The uncertainty and lack of control is unnerving.  It leaves me with a sense of intense vulnerability.  And then I learned that vulnerability is a gift.  If you have not watched the Brene Brown TED talks on vulnerability--which have gone viral--you are missing something HUGE.  Here's the link to her VIDEO; please check it out and her follow up talk on the best of TED.

Brene is amazing!  I have since ordered her book--Daring Greatly.  Its great stuff for parents, leaders and everyone.  It helped me to have the courage to poke my nose back out here now on this BLOG and let you all in.  Trusting.  I told one friend, when she asked me about an update to the BLOG--"Oh I hate that effing BLOG."  But it was just that things were spinning out of control, despite all my nutrition and complementary medicine, my exercise and my spirituality. I only wanted to be able to say that things were going GREAT.  That I was strong.  That I was beating this thing.  I didn't want to have to WHINE. The truth (well I think it is the truth)--is that ALL types of medicine are a crapshoot.  I am so grateful to all my caregivers and doctors.  And I maintain that they are all helpful to me.  But there is no controlling this.  It is much more about surrender.  I am learning to surrender.  Finally.  In very baby steps.  It is another exquisite gift.  Its not about being weak, or giving up the fight.  I am still strongly committed to my complete recovery.  It is about letting go, knowing that it will be OK, even though I don't control the HOW or the WHY.

I can't say that I am looking forward to chemo, but I feel more centered, stronger and more resolved.  Round 3 started on Tuesday (Sept 3).  I am planning to go 6 more rounds, but I know that plans can change and plans sometimes need to change.  I will try to keep you all updated no matter what.  Thanks for listening and for supporting me on this most important journey.  Thanks for caring about me so deeply.  It is humbling and uplifting and the connections I feel are deeply healing.  I love you all!  I hope you all had as wonderful of a summer as I did.  Here's just a few photos and faces from the summer.

Pat CAN cook!!!!!  And he had to do it ALL for a while.  My SUPER hero and angel.

My bro, Neil and Aunt Mary (93 years young)

                       

Cecilia and me

My sweet AC, Denise, best friends since we were 10
and many lifetimes

 a few of the angels--Shaleen, Kathy, Caren

staying active herding sheep in Burcham

Dear Betsy, from Australia by way of the Bay Area.
It was so great to BE with you dear friend... and golf!

My dear, sis, Maureen, has been visiting and treating me with her
amazing therapies

Carol and Rachel lounging at at the soul-quenching respite, Burcham

The AMAZING and wonderful Kowalchicks--I would
not have survived the exploding disc without you, Janet!

Chillin' with Deni in the American River

our beautiful friends, Butch, Caren and Kathy

Nikki and Aunt Mary--trying out the kombucha

Paraic, the awesome, "random" cousin from Ireland.
Didn't know what he was dropping into!!!

Shirodara--an Ayurvedic therapy--oil is poured over the 3rd eye for an hour.  BLISS!
This should be standard protocol for chemo prep.

                          

                      Tibetan artifact singing bowl, gift from Nikki.  For sound therapy.

        It's OMMMMMMMMazing!!!

Hi friends & family--

I don't have so much to say this post, but I don't want anyone to worry, so I am giving this little update.  My last three infusions were canceled due to low white blood cell  (WBC) counts,  some interesting stomach issues (resulting in a trip to the ER), and now severe sciatica.  The good news is that I feel so  NORMAL at the moment, aside from the sciatica, since I have not had any chemo for awhile :)  My next treatment (chemo #3) is scheduled for sometime next week, although I think I want to get to the bottom of the sciatica issue before I do more chemo--so I am not sure if it will be next week.  Although I want treatment to move along, I'm trusting that my body knows exactly what it needs to allow complete healing.  Meanwhile I am keeping up with the alternative medicine--ayurveda and acupuncture.

Cecilia was here for the long Memorial Day weekend.  She has flown the Sacramento--San Diego route so many times she is going to be in the platinum club.  When she visits, she brings us all such a lift with the lightness of her being and her joyful, playful spirit.  The four of us had a wonderful, loving, homey time and the house was full of peals of laughter and great food aromas.  All of us are learning more and more about the power of pure unconditional love, the most important anti-cancer ingredient in any recipe.

                            Cecilia's AMAZING homemade pizza with her original beet sauce--YUM!

Nicolette left on Thursday for Austin after her extended stay.  I don't know what I would have done without her these few months and I will miss her TERRIBLY.  She has taught me so much (..."teach your parents well...") --from yoga poses to awesome nutrition to many concoctions for the juicer and vitamix.....and so much more than words can express here.  We spent hours just talking and laughing and learning more about the universe of each other.  And Pat was so grateful too, for her presence, that he could play a round of golf and have a guilt-free break (maybe sneak in a hotdog), knowing that I was in great hands.  Honey, I know it was an amazing sacrifice for you to be here all this time, to put your whole life on hold for me---and I know that you don't feel that way at all, which makes it even more amazing.

I'll close this post with a recommendation to listen to this great "Ted Talk" on the amazing power of our minds to heal our bodies.  My favorite thing about this video is that it is presented by an MD.  I hope it gets viewed by many many doctors and health care professionals.  I am sure they are all ready for something truly positive to happen in the western health care world.  Baby steps are welcome!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWQfe__fNbs&feature=player_detailpage

Pat and I appreciate all the continued positive thoughts and prayers and we send them all your way as well to keep up this holy circle of health and happiness......Love you all tons!

xoxo
coco

Happy Mums Day/Week!!!  Hello to all my WONDERFUL, HEALTHY, BEAUTIFUL, SEXY moms!!!  And hello to my mom too!  Isn't she cool and gorgeous?!!!

                                                        Ocean Gate, NJ  circa 1962

I miss her since she passed, but I feel her with us often...especially these days.  I am sorry, Mom, that I forgot to heed your warning.  I remember your colon issues.  Ahhhhhh these pesky colons.  Do you know THEY refer to it as your 2nd brain?  There is a hidden but powerful brain in the gut known as the enteric nervous system.  Having a gut reaction?  FASCINATING!!!  Anyway, I am really respecting what I have left of mine these days!  Thank god its all working :)

......Am I off on a wild tangent this week or what?!!

Mothers Day  was so special.  Cece flew up from Encinitas and Nikki was back from her fabulous week in LA.  We all celebrated with a DELIGHTFUL and DELICIOUS dinner at Cafe Mahjaic in the rural town of Lotus.  Located on the American River in the old General Store, the space was converted into a quaint dining room.  They make regular trips to the Bay Area for fresh fish and everything else is organic, farm to table, superb and artistic.  It is time-intensive to prepare such meals so have your conversation art honed for the evening.  We all had a great visit and dinner.  Also be sure to make reservations.  It is a small and popular "secret" spot :)

                                                      In Lotus, CA at Cafe Mahjaic

OK, two chemo treatments down and I was ready for Round 3.....but more on that later.  The 2nd treatment was much like the first. Yucky.  It SUCKS...I won't lie.  I am not good for much around the house for a good 7-10 days...however, this time I did discover the wonderful world of cold-pressed JUICE!!!  My always-resourceful daughter found a website/blog called the "Chemo Diet" (http://thechemodiet.blogspot.com) which describes the stages that your body goes through with chemo treatment and prescribes juices that can help your body to deal with each stage.  For example, in the first stage, right after treatment, your body is working super-hard to detoxify.  Spinach, celery, cabbage, lemon juices are helpful to cleanse the blood and detoxify.  There are 5 more juices for the next stages.  I tolerated the juices well and I think they helped.  I definitely had less mouth sore problems.

We also found a local wholesale source for wheatgrass and fresh yummy sprouts.  We have a whole lot of great food happening here!!!

So, I was ready for Round 3 but received a last minute phone call from the doctors that my white blood cell count was too low (WBC).  I had to go back for another blood test lickity split.  This one was a good one, but the delay caused me to be bumped from the infusion center schedule.  It is very sad to see how booked that place is.  So I am scheduled to resume chemo on Wed.  Honestly, these few extra days off to just feel normal and GOOD are such a blessing.  I also have an appointment with the oncologist tomorrow so we'll find out MORE of what it all means.  Meanwhile, I'm going to yoga!

Thanks again everyone for all your support and encouragement.  I love hearing from you.  It truly lifts my spirits and lets me know that I am not in this alone.  Someone sent me this analogy, which I really love and use..... "you will soon look back on this as a mere tough climb on your bike that you then coasted down from to some secure, flat and lovely territory!"  YES!!!!  I love that! And so it is!!!!

BIG Love and hugs to you all.

xoxo
coco

Day FOURTEEN  Feeling great!  All of the effects of chemo--low energy, no appetite, nausea, mouth sores, neuropathy--have finally worn off.  So far (and keep all your appendages crossed), those are the only side effects I have felt thus far.  The first 5-7 days were the worst and then, thankfully, I started to feel normal again and each day better.  I think the hardest was the psychological feeling.  I wasn't sure I could handle this 11 more times.  I wasn't sure I could do it one more time.   I caught a cold during the "nadir"--this is supposedly Days 8-11 when your risk for infection is highest (low white blood cell count).  The nadir is kind of a bummer because that is just when you start feeling better and you want to get out and do things and you feel a bit paranoid about germs.

But right now I am feeling strong again and ready.  Lots of biking, walking and practicing yoga.  I even beat Pat up the hill on our circuit (ok maybe he let me win ;-)  Tonight was Yin Yoga and a Healing Circle with a guided meditation at my local yoga studio, LEAP.  I've been eating really well and LOADING up on Ayurvedic herbs and other helpful supplements (more on that below).   

So tomorrow I get to start the chemo drill all over again.   Ding! Round 2.  This time I have been taking my supplements for 2 weeks and I am hoping there is enough of that in my system to help reduce the side effects MORE this time.  Some folks have inquired as to what exactly I have been taking so here it goes:

Ashwaganda-for energy & the immune system

Chyawanprash--(a yummy jam) boosts immunity and rejuvenates (opposite of a cleanse).  Made from the fruit of the amla, which has amazing healing properties - totally my favorite find of all the supplements!!

Tumeric - anti-inflammatory - helps with joints too!

Triphala - literally means “three fruits” and is known as a cleaning agent, including a blood cleanser :)

Gaduchi-major liver detox

Aloe Vera juice - super duper 
E3-LIVE: if you don't know what this is find out!

Vit C and B-12 and Fish Oil 

L-Glutamine-- good for neuropathy from chemo
Probiotics - always good for digestion!!

and Tummy Tea (Slippery Elm, marshmallow, licorice, shatavari, Sitopiladi, peppermint, Gotu Kola)--this coats the epithelial cells, from the mouth to the anus--chemo ravages the GI tract.

In addition to this, my diet is wholesome and organic.  NOTHING processed.  As long as it existed when my grandparents were here, then its OK for me to eat (minus the Guinness.....although that's a fermented beverage that may have some medicinal value......hmmmmmmmmm?????).  I have a daily routine that is like a full-time job.  It includes morning Yoga, Meditation, Yoga Nidra and Abyanga. There goes 3-4 hours.....EASY.  Journaling, a bike ride and/or a walk.  Cooking!  OMG cooking takes forever.  Someone could make a million (and be cannonized) if they could create and deliver ORGANIC, whole, fresh, farm to table (yes, I'm picky) meals to me and the other millions of poor (some wealthy) souls in this desert of nutrition called the good ole USA. We don't have real food here.  Its more like a decoration.  Most food you find in the stores is so processed.  Anyway, some of you are well-aware of this and are excellent, well-nourished foodies.  But its a small percentage of us.  I, for one, was NOT well fed before all this happened.  I'm stepping down off the soap box now folks....if you are interested, there are plenty of food documentaries out there that are excellent and educational (Knives Over Forks, Vegucated, to name a couple).  

                                       beeeeautiful pastured eggs 

Well it hasn't been all dullness and hard work over here, thank god.  We made an excellent field trip to see our friends (hey Rose and Ian!!!)  in the Santa Rosa area and visited the Occidental Arts and Ecology Center...... Beyond gorgeous and AMAZING. This permaculture facility lies on 80 acres of some of the most beautiful land in NORcal.  The farm is an ecologically, economically and culturally sustainable community!!!! Growing crops from heirloom seed, reusing all water--grey and black--compostable toilets etc...and providing all kinds of classes.  It was such an awesome and most fascinating place (thanks, Ian!).  If you are in Sonoma Co., I highly recommend a visit.  I never wanted to leave...

While there, we bought some great starter veggies for our garden (which I did NOT grow from seed :).....

                 

Then this morning, we let all the mundane routines go (hey, its Sunday after all) and headed to El Dorado Hills Town Center for the annual Criterium bicycle race.  As a special treat, our dear friend Butch Jackson was racing.  It was so EXCITING to see them speeding by at 50-60 MPH in a tight formation!!!!!!  Butch did OUTSTANDINGGGGG.  I think he came in 4th!  Not bad for an old dog (Butch is 50ish with the biological body of a 25 year old). 

That's all for now!  I'm sorry to hear that many of you are having trouble posting and entering your email so you can follow the site.  Please just check back in once in awhile for updates....I'll still be here :)

All my love,
Colette

I have the MOST amazing friends and family.
I knew this, but the current situation has made me KNOW it .....on a cellular level.  How grateful!...how lucky!....how BLESSED I am!!!!  I was overwhelmed with the response to the blog.  Before I posted it I was feeling a bit apprehensive--like, is this just too public a forum, for my personal journey???  I am first and foremost a closet introvert  ( I can sometimes jealously guard my stupid little secrets ;).  Now I am SO GLAD that I did it.  It means so much to me to have the loving support of friends, family, SCPL and beyond.  And it is a huge RELIEF just to have the word out....in my own words.  And who knows, someday, this could even inspire and help someone going through a similar situation?

This is a journey that I definitely would not have chosen for myself, but along the way I am discovering priceless nuggets of emotional, physical and spiritual learning.  One of which is the amazing resilience and importance of friendship to sustain us and completely enrich our lives.  I know I am just beginning to scratch the surface of what cancer is here to teach me (and yes, I will learn my lessons quickly so it can disappear into the nothingness from which it came!!!).  Aside from the damn side effects, I am actually excited to experience this unfolding.

So, thanks SO MUCH, everyone, for the emails, phone calls, texts, cards, etc.  It means the world to me.  My love and support is coming right back at you!  The connections we have make all the difference in our quality of life and in our infinite capacity to return to perfect health--my personal goal.

Went out on the road bike on Sunday after many months.  It felt so great!  Did a few of the many El Dorado Hills.  Here's a photo with my riding bud extraordinaire, Bev.

BIG love and hugs to you all.