Colette's Journey Into the Fire: September 2013

I am RESUMING chemotherapy....after a nice, looooong break. One that was unavoidable. At first, I thought that the exploding disc in my lower back was a "sign"....signifying that I should ditch this chemo business. As I progressed out of excruciating pain, I came to see it as something else. A much-needed P A U S E . Don't you love the PAUSE button? Everything happens so fast. And blinding speed makes you....well, blind. It was really hard to see and feel what was happening, because what was happening was not easy to decipher. It was buried deep. I was having trouble understanding the underlying reason for the cancer and I felt paralyzed with fear. Fear of the disease and fear of the cure. I knew on some basic level that I needed to understand the cause or the cure wouldn't hold. So that is all part of this journey. And it continues...

spine MRI--Cause for the PAUSE. Notice the S5/L1 disc material leaking out.

Meanwhile, the summer was so lovely, as a steady stream of beloved house guests ensued. I am so grateful~SO GRATEFUL~ to each of them. They delivered a series of amazing gifts. I am completely astounded at the level of empathy. The compassion and the purest essence of love. The lack of judgement and negativity. It helped me to rise above and stay higher in my thoughts and feelings. This level of positivity was really a necessary boost for my wavering consciousness. I feel revitalized and empowered now, to see it through. I feel confident that I will be OK. On a deeper, more authentic, level than I felt before.

As far as my health status, scans indicate that everything is the same. I have no symptoms and no visible traces of cancer. I am, however, statistically, very much at risk for recurrence. After much thought--too much thought--I decided to give the chemo another try. The data are just too daunting and the "alternative cures" too nebulous. I believe western medicine is close to something better than chemo, but its not here yet--not for colon cancer anyway.

I still don't know for certain how this will all go down. No one does. The uncertainty and lack of control is unnerving. It leaves me with a sense of intense vulnerability. And then I learned that vulnerability is a gift. If you have not watched the Brene Brown TED talks on vulnerability--which have gone viral--you are missing something HUGE. Here's the link to her VIDEO; please check it out and her follow up talk on the best of TED.

Brene is amazing! I have since ordered her book--Daring Greatly. Its great stuff for parents, leaders and everyone. It helped me to have the courage to poke my nose back out here now on this BLOG and let you all in. Trusting. I told one friend, when she asked me about an update to the BLOG--"Oh I hate that effing BLOG." But it was just that things were spinning out of control, despite all my nutrition and complementary medicine, my exercise and my spirituality. I only wanted to be able to say that things were going GREAT. That I was strong. That I was beating this thing. I didn't want to have to WHINE. The truth (well I think it is the truth)--is that ALL types of medicine are a crapshoot. I am so grateful to all my caregivers and doctors. And I maintain that they are all helpful to me. But there is no controlling this. It is much more about surrender. I am learning to surrender. Finally. In very baby steps. It is another exquisite gift. Its not about being weak, or giving up the fight. I am still strongly committed to my complete recovery. It is about letting go, knowing that it will be OK, even though I don't control the HOW or the WHY.

I can't say that I am looking forward to chemo, but I feel more centered, stronger and more resolved. Round 3 started on Tuesday (Sept 3). I am planning to go 6 more rounds, but I know that plans can change and plans sometimes need to change. I will try to keep you all updated no matter what. Thanks for listening and for supporting me on this most important journey. Thanks for caring about me so deeply. It is humbling and uplifting and the connections I feel are deeply healing. I love you all! I hope you all had as wonderful of a summer as I did. Here's just a few photos and faces from the summer.